Wednesday, December 14, 2011

For My Fellow Supernatural Fans...

I had to complete an assignment for Technical Writing where I explained a process. Any process. Our teacher gleefully told us that she's received zombie apocalypse survival guides in the past. Naturally I wanted to get my geek on, so I did How to Kill Ghosts (according to Supernatural). I wasn't able to be as snarky as I would have liked, since I had a rubric to follow. I thought I'd share it anyway. (Copyright Disclaimer--I do not own Supernatural, I'm just borrowing it's concepts and characters).

A Comprehensive Guide To Killing Ghosts
(Based on the TV series Supernatural)

This is intended as a guide to getting rid of ghosts who may be haunting, harming, or otherwise bothering you and your family. This process involves burning the body of the deceased person in order to kill his or her ghost. Before beginning this process, you must know who your ghost was in life. You must also know the location of the burial site. This procedure should be performed after dark.  Warning: Ghosts can be extremely aggressive. If one tries to attack you while you are performing the procedure, please flee and consult a professional.


Large Gardening Shovel

Small Hatchet

Large Canister of Table Salt

Bottle of Lighter Fluid

1 Box of Wooden Matches


Step 1: Gather all materials listed above and bring them to the site of your ghost’s grave.

Step 2: Begin digging in front of the grave’s headstone. The hole will need to extend  approximately 6 feet from the headstone, 4 feet length-wise, and will be about 6 feet deep. You will need to dig until the entire coffin is visible. Warning: This is a lengthy and tiresome process. To speed things along, consider having a friend help you dig.

Step 3: Open the coffin lid to gain access to the body. If they coffin is locked, use your shovel or your hatchet to break the lock, and proceed to open the lid.

Step 4: Climb out of the hole. Remove shovel and hatchet from the hole and set them aside.

Step 5: Open salt canister Poor salt over the body, covering as much of the surface of the body as possible. Use all of the salt in the canister. Set aside the empty canister.

Step 6: Open lighter fluid. Sprinkle a generous amount of fluid over the body. Set aside lighter fluid bottle. Warning: Avoid spilling lighter fluid on your skin or clothing. This could result in lighting yourself on fire. If you do spill lighter fluid on your person, wash it off immediately.

Step 7: Light  a match and drop it onto the body. If the match blows out or the body fails to ignite, light a new match and drop it onto the body. Repeat this step until the body appears to be on fire. Warning: Exercise caution when handling fire. Avoid touching skin, eyes, hair, and clothing with the lit match.

Step 8: Allow the body to burn completely. This process is complete when the body is reduced to ash. If the flames go out before this time, add more lighter fluid and repeat step 7 until satisfactory incineration has been achieved. At this point, your ghost should be dead.

Step 9: Clean up. Shovel dirt back into grave. Gather discarded tools an materials to throw away in another location. Exit the area.

Expected Results: Congratulations! Your ghost should now be dead, and you should no longer be haunted. If you are still experiencing a haunting, or if you have any other problems, consult the troubleshooting guide bellow.
Troubleshooting Guide


  1. I am sitting here snickering like a sixth grader. This is BRILLIANT. I'm especially fond of your trouble-shooting chart:


    Because truthfully...I would *totally* be the chick who did that! LOL

  2. This is awesome! Hope you get a good grade, I think you deserve it!

  3. BJ--My instructor's words were "Troubleshooting is where you idiot-proof your instructions." :D

    Candace--Thanks, I hope so too!

  4. Oh I love it!!! This reminds me of when I got to apply literary theory to Buffy the Vampire slayer for a presentation when I was doing my BA. Great stuff. :)


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