Misc. Monday: Top Eight Most Annoying Traits in a Romance Heroine

Throughout the month I've talked a lot about the positive aspects of romance--why we read it, what makes it fantastic, and who does it the best. But those of us who love it know that it has it's negative quirks too. Yeah, there are some awesome heroines out there--beautiful, brilliant, awesome women that we relate to and admire. But then, there are the ditzes, the bitches, the whiny little babies that challenge our faith in humanity and ruin perfectly good books. So let's take today to make fun of them, shall we?

#8: She Doesn't Believe In Love

The nonbeliever can be found at her very important and all consuming high intensity job, or in her one bedroom apartment with her TV and her cat. I put her low on the list because, in some cases, the non-believer heroine can be a good trope. In most cases, though, it's a tired out concept. She's stubbornly jaded and refuses to believe in the possibility of an emotional connection with another person. This is fine early in a story, but makes her come off as a bitch if she's still clinging to her disbelief after the hero displays obvious feelings for her. Even at that point, there are still ways that a good author can make the story work, but most of the time this conflict feels forced.

#7: She's a Martyred Virgin

The martyred virgin can be found hiding in the stacks at her local library, and she'll be identifiable by her ultra conservative clothes and her awkwardness around me. I'm not making fun of virgin heroines in general, just the ones who make it a freaking plot point. The one's for whom it defines them and sits at the center of all insecurities. "Woe is me, I will never experience sexual fulfillment or true love. Woe!" What frustrates me about the martyred virgin is her belief that all of her problems will be fixed if she can just fin a man to pop her cherry, and worse, when that encounter actually does fix everything for her. A couple orgasms and suddenly she's happy, confident, more sure of herself. Insecure virgin turned wanton love machine is a trope that makes me laugh every time, and so it's impossible for me to find it sexy.

#6: She's a Paragon of Virtue

She can be found at all of the charity events and all of the fundraisers and all of bedsides of all of the dieing people. She's a pediatrician who's hobby is rescuing stray kittens and building homes for poor people. She's kind to everyone, and everyone likes her, and if she has any flaw at all it's being too damn nice. She always says and does the right thing. My God, she is boring. She is boring and she is irritating and she is impossible to relate to. Normal people have flaws and make mistakes, especially when they're falling in love. Flaws and mistakes are what make heroines accessible to the reader. A sexy dark side never hurts.

#5: She's Insecure

She can be found peering into a mirror and describing herself in her head, using adjectives like "mousey" and "plain". She doesn't know she's beautiful! Our culture apparently finds a certain degree of modesty in women to be an attractive quality, while vanity of any kind is vilified. So it's no surprise that authors like the heroine who can't see her own beauty, and maybe even thinks she's ugly. Her character arc usually involves seeing herself in a new light through the hero's eyes, because of course he sees her as beautiful. Sometimes (God help me) she gets  makeover. I'm sure some readers love a makeover story, and I'm sure some readers love the insecure heroine in general. For me, though, this character arc is as shallow as it is warn out, and I don't care for it.

#4: She's a Doormat

She can be found laying passively on the ground while the villain, or in some cases the hero, sucks the life out of her--either literally or figuratively. Or both. She's not just submissive, she's passive to the point of being useless. While her spinelessness can sometimes be mistaken for self-sacrifice, she actually just lacks enough personality to find a hands-on way to deal with her problems. She sets feminism back a hundred years every time she let's the other characters dictate what happens in her life, and that generally pisses off readers such as myself. The only good thing is that the doormat redeemed stories, in which our passive heroine grows a spine throughout the course of the story, are surprisingly empowering when written correctly.

#3 She's Indecisive

She can be found in between two hot guys, who both mysteriously want her, and she's secretly enjoying the hell out of it, and not in the sexy erotic threesome sense. The indecisive heroine doesn't know what she wants or who she wants, and she's going to make everyone miserable because of it. She doesn't know if she wants to live in the country or the city, if she wants a high-powered job or a quiet life at home, if she likes cats or dogs, if she prefers chocolate or vanilla....The indecisive heroine is irritating because she has know idea who she is, and she's all caught up in the drama of deciding, and that drama is one long "mefest" for her. The indecisive heroine can only be redeemed if she comes to her senses and apologizes for her self focus, but she almost never does.

#2 She's Dumb as Shit

She can be found in dark alley ways running after the villain without a weapon. She leaps to stupid conclusions and causes many a Big Mis with her shoddy communication skills. The dumb heroine lacks perception and foresight, and in the worst cases she lacks basic common sense. Stupidity among heroines is intolerable, because it's almost impossible to like and relate to someone that can't see what's right in front of them. It's one of the worst devises that authors use to make conflicts, and it almost always kills the story for me.

#1 She's Not Actually a Character

She can be found doing whatever authors think the everyday woman would like to do, and she does it with such an astounding lack of personality  that we forget she's even there. The Blank Slate Heroine kind of deserves her own post, because her existence is a literal epidemic, especially in the YA world. She tops the list because she's not just an affront to heroines, she's an insult to the reader. The idea that we just want to project ourselves into an avatar and live out a fantasy implies that we are mindless escapists. It implies that we are unable to empathize with heroines that are not just like us, and so the heroine can't have a pronounce personality, or readers won't like her and therefor won't like the book. Authors, I beg you, give the reader more credit than that. Give your heroine a life of her own. Give her opinions, give her needs, give her imperfection. Take some risks when you create your heroines. Because no trait--dumb, insecure, naive--is as irritating as a heroine entirely without traits.

Watch This! Nicolas Sparks Movie Day

Hello, and welcome to Watch This! Wednesday, romance edition, and you know what that means! It's Nicholas Sparks day!

Nicholas Sparks is somewhat infamous for his gushy mom pleasing novels that center around love and relationship development. They escape the stigma of romance novels by somewhat frequently breaking the rule of the happy ending. If I sound bitter about that, it's because I am. I find that tragedy is not synonymous with profound meaning, and the idea that a piece of fiction becomes "literature" only by being depressing is the height of discouraging.

Nevertheless, I have read (and to some extent enjoyed) four of his novels, although it was years ago and long before I started reviewing books. And, I'm kind of ashamed to say this, but I really like most of these movies. Yeah, I know. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, either. So, anyway, here we go: snippet review of all seven movies currently available on DVD, in the order of their release.

Message in a Bottle (1999)

The plot of this movie is as utterly improbable as it is depressing.Theresa, the heroine, finds a message in a bottle while she's jogging on a beach. It's a love letter, and finding it makes her believe in love again. She get's caught up in the mystery of finding the letter's author. And then she does. And they fall in love. Because of course they do. I've never found this movie appealing. Not only does the romance not work for me (I'm not a huge fan of widow stories), but it ends on an unrelentingly hopeless note. So, overall, it's not one that I recommend.

A Walk to Remember (2002)

Now this one, this movie, is one of my all time favorite love stories. Teenage bad boy Landon falls in love with the preacher's daughter, Jamie. Through her, he learns about faith, compassion, and what it means to give your heart to someone entirely. It's young love, opposites attraction, redemption, and hope in the face of death--all things that I love in a romance. The fact that it's sad is actually okay, in this case. This is one to watch when you want to cry a bit.

The Notebook (2004)

Every woman I talk to likes this movie at least a little, and for good reason. It's the story of a first love and forbidden love that turns into last love. People think of it as said, because it deals with dimension and growing old and passing on, but in my mind it's the happiest ending I can imagine in the harsh Nicholas Sparks world. These two people get a whole life together, and their story is epic. Its a happy tears sort of movie.

Nights In Rodanthe (2008)

Don't remember this one? Yeah, no one really does. This is a movie that's definitely meant for the older generation, and I don't think even they like it that much. It's a romance between two disillusioned older people who both have strained relationships with their adult children. Adrienne, the heroine, is taking care of an inn for her friend and Paul, the hero, is in town because he's being sued. Much like Message in a Bottle, there are few or no uplifting parts to balance out the tragedy, so it doesn't leave you feeling better about humanity. It also suffers from serious pacing issues. I don't recommend it.

Dear John (2010)

Okay, so this is one of two that I had to watch specifically for this post, because I hadn't seen it yet. Because based on what I knew of the plot, I thought I wouldn't like it. Oh, my God, this was a terrible movie. So, yeah, the plot is that John is a soldier and he falls in love with Savannah, who agrees to wait for him, and they write letters. But then 9/11 happens and he re-enlists and she starts to get understandably antsy, until ultimately she sends him the dreaded break-up letter. Aside from the fact that there is nothing about that core plot that appeals to me, I just didn't feel any sort of romantic vibe from this movie. John and Savannah have little chemistry to speak of, so I had trouble buying their relationship to begin with. Couple that with very serious pacing issues, selfish decisions, and a total lack of an ending, and I'm left wondering why on earth people like this movie. I really don't recommend this one.

The Last Song (2010)

This was the other one that I had to watch for the first time in order to write this post, and I expected to like it less than Dear John. You know what though? It's not that bad. No, I mean, it's flawed. Miley Cyrus is not a great actress, and she's not right for the part, and her speaking voice is extremely grating. I could buy her as a snotty teenager, but I had trouble cheering her on as a romantic lead. Nevertheless, the story kind of got to me. I could really appreciate the character development and the relationship development between Ronnie, our erstwhile heroine, and everyone else in the movie--from her father, to little brother, to her boyfriend Will. I found myself imagining the story with someone else in Miley's place, and I'm forced to say that I like it a lot. So, would I recommend it? Yeah, actually, I would--if you like that kind of thing.

The Lucky One (2012)

I won't say much about this one, since I already talked about it when it came out and you can read my thoughts here. I did like this one. It's not the most profound, and Zach Efron is just okay as an actor, but it's a more complete and appealing story than, say, Dear John.

I haven't yet made plans to see Safe Haven, which came out on Valentines Day, but I'm sure I will eventually. This is one of those odd fascinations that I feel compelled to see through. But that's it for now, folks. Go watch a good movie, share your comments, and have a happy day!

Misc. Monday: Romance Reading as an Experience

Earlier this month, Sunita wrote an opinion article posted on Dear Author that I found very thought provoking. She talked about the use of the word "escapism" in reference to romance novels, and the fact that it is all to often used in a derogatory sense. When a romance reader uses the term, she means something very different from what the anti-romance critic means. I know that I've used the term, but I don't think I fully considered what I meant when I said it. That's why I thought I had to talk about my romance reading experiences in a fresh light.

The term "escapism" implies that we want to escape from something, from a reality that we find unpleasant (or at the very least boring). In the case of the romance reader, the implication is that the reader is unsatisfied with her life and, in particular, her relationship(s). In other words, we're all lonely cat ladies or trapped in sexless relationships, and so we choose romance because it fills in the gap for us. This generalization is full of as much inaccuracy as it is condescension and pity. Allow me to use myself as an example. I'm a happy, optimistic person. I'm married to a man that I fell in love with seven years ago, who still makes me smile. I get kisses and penguins and milkshakes and back rubs.  I'm very satisfied in that aspect of my life. Like other people, I get tired, I get bored, I have problems and frustrations. Reading is one way that I comfort myself, but it's not the only way. And comfort is also not the only reason that I read. I don't read because I'm unhappy, but rather for a complex set of reasons that changes every time I pick up a new novel

More than anything, I read to experience. One of the reasons that I often choose fantasy and paranormal books is because it allows me to experience new and unusual things that I will never get to experience firsthand. I will never meet a vampire or fight a dragon, and in reality I probably wouldn't want to. But experiencing them through a book is a rush, in a way. People that read horror and murder mysteries don't necessarily want to see gore in real life, and likely never will, but they do like to experience those things in book form. In books, no experience is barred to us, good or bad.

So, why would I turn to romance novels to experience love if I experience plenty of it in real life? The easy answer is: Because it's not the same thing. And it isn't. No two relationships are alike, in much the same way that no two people are alike. Every love story is different, because every (good) author writes original characters with well established personalities who fall in love in a different way from the way I found happiness.

Look, I would never want a dominate, possessive alpha-male as my partner, because I personally wouldn't function well in that type of relationship. But in the context of a book, I get to experience him in a way, by getting inside the mind and heart of a heroine who can appreciate and love him. I don't want to marry a cowboy and have eight babies with him. I don't want to be kidnapped and ravaged by pirates. I don't want a millionaire doctor with no time for me, or a poor small town boy who runs a struggling business. But somewhere out there, there  are books with  heroines who love horses and babies, or long for hot sweaty pirate sex, or are already rich anyhow. Or whatever. I become invested in her quest for romantic happiness, and it's fulfillment is one of the primary things I'm after when I read romance.

It's probably easy to understand why one would want to read about happiness, but that isn't all there is to romance. It has a dark side, sometimes an extremely dark side, which is less well understood. Granted, some readers stay away from the gritty stuff, but I honestly love it. What I love about J.R. Ward, for example, is that she's very good an beating the crap out of her hero and heroine, both emotionally and physically, before allowing them to find happiness. Hell, her best novel has rape, slavery, beating and mutilation, and the heroine is kidnapped and tortured--has her eyes sewn shut, in the first half alone. It's a rough, dark book that I love, beyond reason. Why? If readers read to experience, why would anyone want to experience all of that pain? I will admit openly that this is still something I'm learning, about myself and books in general. There's a cathartic quality that comes with watching characters have all of the worst possible things happen to them and nevertheless find bliss.

I'll conclude with the simple thought: Romance readers, whatever our faults, are not purely escapists. Rather, I believe the we're more than commonly open to new emotional experiences.

Watch This! Top Ten Best Romances in the Disney Universe

Disney movies. They are so iconic and so deeply imbedded in our culture that they are often the first stories children are exposed to. To extend that thought, they are probably the first love stories most of us are exposed to. Now, I'm not saying that's a great thing. It's a point of fact that Disney treats love in the most sanitized, watered-down, and in some cases slightly sexist manner possible. But they exist, and they are romance, so we have to talk about them. Because I say so.

Having said all of that, you might imagine that this "Best" list is more of a "Least Awful" list, but...that's mostly not true. Mostly.

#10: Sleeping Beauty (1959)

This is one that I've only seen a handful of times, and I actually had to rewatch it closely to decide if it really belonged on this list. It made it by virtue of the fact that it's not only intentionally a romance, but the romance actually has some (some, not a lot) set up and pay off. The set up is that Phillip and Aurora are promised to each other upon Aurora's birth. Aurora is cursed and then hidden away as a peasant girl, under the name Briar Rose. Sixteen years later, Phillip meets and unknowingly falls in love with Briar Rose. It's love at first sight and there's not much conversation, but there is a big battle with a dragon, and that's romantic, right? Right.

#9:Cinderella (1950)

You know, Cinderella gets a lot of bad press. I'll own to the fact that Sleeping Beauty deserves its reputation as one of the least pro-feminist stories of all time--the heroine literally does nothing except fall asleep. Cinderella though? She's just a sad, lonely, and frankly very patient girl who would like to go to a dance. And then she does. Good for her. Do I buy that she instantly falls in love with the prince and he's so enamored with her in return that he upends the kingdom trying to find her--after one dance and presumably a little conversation? Well no, not by real world standards, but it the logic of the 1950s Disney universe it's fine. I always imagined an epilogue to this story where the prince (Jesus, he doesn't even have a name) and Cinderella have to talk and come to terms with this insane attraction between them, and the ramifications of marrying outside their social standings, and they make it work in the end. That's how I justify the story to myself.

#8: Tarzan (1999)

This is one of those Disney movies I always tend to forget about, until I look at a list and I'm reminded--oh, yeah, Disney did Tarzan. I think it's because when it came out, I was at that weird age where I thought I was too old for children's movies and I didn't yet appreciate the idea that adults can enjoy them, too, and so I didn't see it until long after it came out. But I do like it. And, of course, it's on this list because of Tarzan and Jane, who are surprisingly sweet together. I put it low on the list because I've always felt that the chemistry between them is based largely on the fact that Jane is literally the first and only human woman Tarzan has ever encountered, and that kind of circumstantial togetherness is always a bit unsettling to me. Outside of that context, would they even like each other? I don't know, but it is an interesting story for all it's flaws.

#7: Lady and the Tramp (1955)

Why, yes, I did put non-humans on the list. Judge me if you will, but watch this movie and tell me it's not adorable. Go ahead. Yeah, I thought so. Lady and the Tramp is a classic opposites attract tale about a hero who shuns the idea of a home and a heroine who dearly loves hers. They go on adventures and have a little tryst, and eventually a happy ending. The spaghetti scene alone earns it a spot on the list (incidentally, eating pasta that way is far less romantic in reality).  And I'm pretty sure there's a secret baby plot in there too.

#6: The Little Mermaid (1989)

I struggled quite a bit with where to put this on the list because, truth be tole, this is probably my second or third favorite Disney movie of all time. But in terms of how well it works as a romance? It's pretty shallow, at least initially. Ariel's impulsive and obsessive need to be with Eric is based entirely on appearance. Any attraction Eric feels for Ariel is based on her pretty, pretty voice. This is all redeemed when they end up spending time together while she can't talk, and it becomes apparent that they have a legitimate connection.

#5: The Princess and the Frog (2009)

This might actually count at my second non-human romance on the list, since they spend the majority of the movie as frogs. This is a movie about working hard to achieve goals while not ignoring the importance of finding love. It's actually quite heavy handed with that message, but it's not necessarily a terrible thing. I like the adventure and the time that Tiana and Nevine share, and I like that they both work for their happy ending.    

#4: Aladdin (1992)

This is likely the most "boy oriented" movie on the list, but it nevertheless counts as a romance. Pretty much everything Aladdin does is motivated by a desire to get the girl. It's yet another case of two people who like each other regardless of social rank, and it addresses the issue more effectively than most. I like that Jasmine, despite not being at the center of the action, is not a wilting flower and does, in fact, display a mind of her own. It also happens to have one of the most memorable and romantic love songs in the Disney universe.

#3: Tangled (2010)

This movie is one of the most watchable, fun children's movies I've seen this decade. And, although the romance isn't necessarily the main point, it's there and it's spectacular. Flynn and Rapunzel get to know each other over their journey (witness, Flynn telling Rapunzel his real name), they fall in love, and they make huge sacrifices for each other. It's cute and funny when it needs to be, serious at other times, and everything comes together to make a very satisfying story.

#2: Up (2009)

Am I cheating with this one? Hell yes, I am. Up is decidedly not a romance, at least most of the movie isn't. But the first ten minutes or so? Oh God. Two people meet as children, become friends, fall in love, and share a big dream that they never quite get to realizing. But they have a life together, and they're mostly happy despite some huge disappointments. I cannot watch this part of the movie without crying. Everything that's happens after that point is motivated largely by that relationship and those dreams, so I actually think it is fair game to count it on this list. It's brilliant, and a testament to the principle that a simple love story is often the best.

#1: Beauty and the Beast (1991)

If you've been following this blog for awhile, this one probably doesn't surprise you. This is my very favorite Disney movie, and it likely ranks in my top 10 favorite movies of all time. But do I really think it's the most romantic? Absolutely, I do. It's a story about getting to know someone on a deeper level, and loving them based on an emotional connection rather than physical appearance. The Beast has to learn to be a decent person, and Bell only comes around to him after he figures out that he needs to treat her properly. It's pretty much a perfect movie in my mind, and I can't say enough about it.

So that's the list, folks. Feel free to agree and disagree with me in the comments. Have a romance-filled day.

Happy February! It's Romance Time!

February is kind of the most miserable month of the year. It's cold and snowy, without the promise of Santa to make up for it. And it has Valentines Day, or Single Person Awareness Day, depending on which side of relationship hell you're standing on. Anyway, here on reading to penguins we're going to make the best of this short miserable month by celebrating romance in all of it's ooey gooey schmaltzy goodness.

But first, let's crown the January 2013 Book of the Month:

Misc. Monday: Reading Romance as a Teenager (And Beyond)

The process of blogging and reviewing really forces you to think about why you like the things that you like. This isn't an easy task for me, since my tastes are all over the place and perhaps a bit mercurial. My likes and dislikes continue to evolve, but one fact remains: I really like romance.

My love of romance was likely spawned at a very young age, but while it might be interesting to talk about the effects of Disney movies on a child's brain, my focus on romance in literature began with The Raging Quiet by Sherryl Jordan. It's the story of a young woman (in colonial times?) who befriends a deaf man, and ultimately forms a bond of affection with him despite the prejudices and suspicions of the towns people. I read this book when I was eleven, and it was responsible for flipping that switch in my brain that made me want to read romance centered novels.

Sadly, the face of young adult literature was bleak when I was that age, at least from where I was sitting. The public library that offered most of my reading material just didn't have much for teens or precocious preteens. So, after I read everything they had from Sherryl Jordan, plus the odd contemporary YA, I kind of got the hint that I might need to move on to adult literature. By the time I was twelve or thirteen, I was combing the adult fantasy shelves (our library did not have a romance section at the time) looking for adventure in fairy tales.

I got into reading actual Romance Novels because of their availability in my  household. My mother read them, so they were always around, and by the time I was thirteen no one thought to question what I picked up. Mom wasn't much for forbidding books. I remember being a freshman in high school and having a friend tell me that she wasn't allowed to pick up books or movies unless her parents screened them first. This concept was so foreign to me that I couldn't get past it, and kept questioning it-- "Seriously, I can't just lend you a book without you getting in trouble?"

I digress.

My first proper romance novel was Midnight Bayou by Nora Roberts. I liked, and still do like it because of it's strong characters and intense, steamy relationship building...But also because it has ghosts. Roberts actually likes to sneak a lot of ghost here and there in her otherwise contemporary books, but in this case the ghosts are central to the plot. And it is fantastic. So while I did go on to read a lot of contemporary romance and eventually some historical, my primary drug of choice became paranormal romance. From there it was a skip and a jump to Christine Feehan and Maggie Shayne, who's books I spent my allowance on and asked for for Christmas.

It's a valid point that both Roberts and Feehan pepper their novels with fairly graphic sex scenes. They weren't written with teens in mind. I just don't think it matters much. That is, I don't think that reading such scenes at that age is damaging in the way that some parents assume it is. Not all teens are super impressionable sponges that soak up and imitate everything they encounter in fiction.  You also have to take into account that romance novels (with some exceptions), portray mostly monogamous sex between people in love. So were I to imitate them, I'd end up traveling to the Carpathian mountains in order to find my lifemate, for whom I've been saving myself. Or something.

These days, there are so many really good options for teens. The climate has changed, with the young adult market having exploded, and now there are plenty of (nice, safe, sex free) romance novels available that are specifically designed for teens. I find them in my formerly very boring local library, and I'm really excited about that. But just as I think it's okay for adults to indulge in a little YA fiction, I still believe that there's nothing wrong with a well adjusted teen trying out some adult fiction. Romance novels have the ability to portray healthy relationships, communication, compromise, and happy endings in a way that no other genre can quite attain. So, here's to romance novels, and all of the people out there who are just discovering them. Let's keep Happily Ever After alive!