On Strawberry Fluff: A Review of Kiss of Pride by Sandra Hill

 Today for your reading delight, I have this...well, it's meant to be a romance novel, I think. I bought this when it was $0.99, thinking that it would make for light-hearted amusement some day. And then I got into this reading funk, and I sort of realized that I wasn't going to become fully immersed in anything, no matter how awesome, so why not choose something shallow?

The book jumps right into the back story, so I'll start there. Prepare yourself for some silly-ass world building. Vikar and his merry band of brothers were all vikings, and that made them pagans, and so God wanted to wipe them out. The archangel Michael pleads their case, and they end up as vampire/angels in training instead, doing penance until they make up for their sins (there are seven brothers, seven sins, DO YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING?). Vikar's sin is pride. Anyway, they've been time jumping for awhile (for some reason), but now they've settled in present day Pennsylvania, in a town that subsequently becomes a vampire themed tourist trap.

Alex is a jaded reporter with a tragic past--her daughter and husband were murdered. She wants nothing more to take revenge, but her plans are interrupted when she's put on an assignment to interview Vikar. Almost immediately after arriving in Transylvania Pennsylvania, she is bitten by the resident bad vampires--they're called lucipires, and they work for the devil. Consequently, the hero has to start cleansing her of the inherent badness that lucipires spread, and he does said cleansing through a lot of sucking, which is even less sexy than it sounds.

I assumed from the start that I wasn't meant to take this book seriously, and that it would be more of a light PNR. But at times, a serious fact or moment would be thrown in there, and I got the impression that I was supposed to become invested, that I was supposed to find the romance in the midst of the ridiculous. Instead, the whole book is just awkward. The tone is way off, like the author has no idea how to balance horror, sex, and humor. Kresley Cole is the queen of that balance. Gena Showalter is not bad either. J.R. Ward has some seriously awkward bullshit in her stories, but the tone is still mostly cohesive. This book? This book is a mess. The author wants to be funny, but she doesn't understand how to be--she thinks that referencing Twilight and Micheal Jackson and all of the other pop culture things she knows about will make it funny, but all of those jokes are just flat and annoying. Then she wants to be serious, she wants us to feel sad or concerned for Alex, or to find Vikar sexy, or to get caught up in their relationship, but she ends up being hilarious by accident with her awful world building and purple language. You end up laughing at the author and not with the author, laughing at all of the wrong things.

Even if the world building were not unforgivably silly, it would still be terribly unoriginal. I'm entirely sick of seven deadly sins books. If you're going to use Christian/biblical mythology, pick something that hasn't been done nine million times already. Don't get me wrong--angels and demons make interesting characters, but you have to have a good feel for how to write them and how to make them seem both real and different (the same principle applies to vampires0. Hill doesn't seem to know what to do with the mythology, and she doesn't want to bother digging up some fresh and new concepts from it, so she's deriving everything from other PNRs in a way that's too obvious and too sloppy for a traditionally published author.

The Christain nature of our vangels is then used as the main obstacle keeping the hero and heroine from getting their freak on, and is the reason they decide to have lots of near sex. It's only a real sin if there's actual penetration, apparently. You know who thinks like that? Teenagers. Stupid, horny teenagers who believe that celibacy through technicality is just as good as actual self-restraint. Seeing adults rationalize in the same way is just plain stupid --either sexual acts are a sin, or they aren't. Whatever you believe is fine, but don't try to have the cake and eat it too--you're just being hypocritical.

Delicious, and versatile.

The sex (or almost sex) scenes in themselves are the most unintentionally hilarious things I have ever seen in a modern romance novel. At one point, the heroine thinks she sees a halo around the hero's dick. She pronounces it "cute", and the sex continues. Yeah. Later, the author treats us to the silliest purple terms she could think of--including, but not limited to "woman channel", "woman dew", and my personal favorite "strawberry fluff" (which described the heroine's pubic hair). When the strawberry fluff came into play, I had a small and not altogether quiet break with reality where I collapsed in a fit of giggles. In my world fluff is a marshmallow topping you put on peanut butter sandwiches--so you can imagine what my mind cooked up in the context of the sex scene. Sorry, NEAR sex scene.

When I finally finished this book, it was with the feeling of relief that comes with being fairly certain that you've hit rock bottom. I have found the worst of the books, there is nothing more awful, and anything else will be fantastic by comparison because I have lived through lucipires and strawberry fluff. Do I recommend this book? Well, I don't know, it did make me laugh. Not at the right moment, and not in the way it meant to, but by God did I laugh. So, yeah, if you have a good strong bullshit shield and you like "so bad it's good" books, maybe. Overall, though, it's probably not worth it. 1.5 stars

On Travel: A Review of Wanderlust by Elieba Levine

As I said yesterday, I promised to review this book, and so I shall. Because it's an erotica book, we're going to make this review 18 and over (just in case).

Misc. Monday: The Reading Penguin and the Case of the Reader's Block

You've heard of writer's block? Well, it happens to readers too, and I've got it right now. Sorry to say, but so far March has been very bland in terms of reading material. The happy reading bubble was entirely deflated by Requiem, which let me down more thoroughly than I can ever remember a book letting me down. After that every book I picked up seemed to have a giant cloud of meh and blah coming off of it, which makes it hard to progress. I finished Wanderlust by Elieba Levine because I had made a commitment to review it, but that's about it.

Personal experience has taught me that the only way out of a reading funk is to take it easy with the books for awhile. That means if I can only manage to read a few pages at a time, and my mind wants to wander, I let it wander. I do something else, and I come back to it. That means getting through books at a snail's pace, but in the end it will work better than forcing myself. Thankfully, I'm ahead in my reading goals to a point where it shouldn't matter.

Anyway, reviews may be a bit sparse throughout the next week. I hope you'll be patient while I work my way around the block, and eventually I'll be back with a vengeance.

On Breaking Walls: A Review of Requiem by Lauren Oliver

After finishing this book, I gave myself a full twenty-four hours before I started to compose my review (an excessive amount of thought gathering time for me). I wanted to make sure that I wrote this from my brain and not just from my gut, which felt hallow with disappointment at the end of this novel. When I finished Delirium, I had some basic issues with the story, but over all I felt that this author had some new and interesting things to say on the subject of teen love and relationships in general. With Pandemonium, I was very impressed with her ability to write internal dialogue and the character development that Lena undergoes. The only thing there that frustrated and let me down was the ending, which I honestly should have seen coming. Even that highly questionable ending, I still held out hope that Requiem would prove me right about this series, that it would draw the story together, end in a satisfying manner, and say all of the big and meaningful things I wanted this series to say. It did not. It didn't even come close.

Requiem continually switches point of view between Lena and Hana. Lena has returned to the Wilds with Julian. Her relationship with Julian and Alex is uncertain, and I'll save you some time--she never resolves her feelings. She goes all Bella Swan and hops back to Julian whenever Alex appears to be shunning her, only unlike Bella she never conclusively makes a choice. My opinion of Lena plummeted throughout this book, in part due to the love triangle issues and in part due to her utter inability to do anything useful. Hana, on the other hand, has been cured and is living a seemingly safe and charmed life, engaged to the soon-to-be mayor. I found Hana's story more interesting than I thought I would. Her conflict over whether she has lost herself after being cured--can she still feel, can she still dream, does she want to?--is thoughtful. She quickly discovers that the life that is expected of her will likely be miserable.

In terms of character development this book fails almost entirely. Instead of progressing forward, getting stronger, gaining clarity, Lena remains stagnant and perhaps even regresses a bit. Not only does she not manage to choose between the two boys who inexplicably have feelings for her, but she fails at every turn to step up and take action.

In terms of plot, well, there isn't a lot of it. I find that I'm often disappointed with how dystopian series end, because the world so often fails to undergo the radical transformation that I want to see happen. They tend to end on a barely hopeful note, and I always feel like there is so much more to the story, like we've stopped in the middle. That's how I felt with this book. Like there should be at least one more book, and of course there isn't.

More than anything, when I finished this book, I felt bad about having looked forward to it and bad about having recommended the first two. I can't imagine ever wanting to return to this series, ever rereading this book, or ever recommending it to anyone again. Obviously, if you've read the first two, you're going to read this one. In the case that you haven't read this series, and you think you might want to, I would gently caution you that it's very unsatisfying. 2 stars.

Watch This! Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

For now, I've kind of nixed the music moment posts until I can figure out a more reliable way to do them. But, we're going to carry on with the other music themed posts of this month.

I think I've talked about my general affection for Sweeney Todd before. I actually saw a local production a year or so back. I saw this when it was in theaters. There's something appealing about a horror/comedy set in Victorian London that I'm just not sick of yet. It doesn't hurt that the movie itself has Johnny Depp at his Johnny Deppiest and Helena Bonham Carter playing more or less the character she always plays. But to the credit of the story, even in a live theater with much less famous actors, it's still very engaging in it's deliciously unsettling way.

If you don't already know the plot, it goes as follows: Sweeney Todd was once a young, optimistic barber, married to a beautiful woman with whom he had a lovely baby daughter. But, an evil judge played by Alan Rickman wants the his wife, and so he arranges to have him transported. Years later, he comes back, and he teams up with Mrs. Lovett (a pie shop owner), to take revenge on his enemies.

By far my favorite musical number is "A Little Priest", in which Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett gleefully sing about putting their murder victims into pies. It's catchy as hell, so upbeat and cheery, and yet so overtly disgusting. Some of the other scenes and numbers elicit an uncomfortable, spine-tingling sort of way, but this is the only one that made me actually laugh.

Some of the subplots (like the romantic subplot with Johanna), are not things that I would want to spoil for anyone who hasn't seen some version of the story yet. Everything in the movie kind of pales in comparison to the revenge plot in any case, but I kind of feel the dark and unfortunate love story could merit it's own retelling some day.

Anyway, I think I've officially talked this movie and play to death. If you have the opportunity to see it live, you really should, but even if that never happens the movie is really excellent on it's own.

On Cinnamon: A Review of The Chocolate Thief by Laura Florand

If I had to sum up my thoughts on this book in one sentence, it would be: Delicious book, terribly sub-par romance. Let me explain.

Our heroine, Cade Corey, is the heiress to America's biggest chocolate company (I believe Corey is meant to be analogous to Hershey). She's very involved in the family's business, but it's always been her dream to branch out from that and see some of the world--namely, Paris. She has this idea to create a line of gourmet chocolates for her company, and to associate the line with one of France's most beloved small chocolate shops. She's shocked when her top choice, Sylvain Marquis, turns her down flat. But he is as tempting as his chocolate is, and she finds herself obsessed with him.

 The chocolate in this book is described in such a way that even someone who doesn't love chocolate will end up craving it. The hero seduces women with chocolate. He uses chocolate to relate to Cade, to lure her in, and to keep her captivated. I could easily see why Cade would want to sneak into his shop and revel in his chocolate convection.

Cade is the big downside of this book. I was quickly irritated with her entitled rich girl attitude and her belief that she can literally buy anything. When the Parisians refuse to sell to her, they come off as a bit snobby, but I was mostly in their corner--this heroine needed to learn a big lesson and be put in her place.  It just takes such a long time for that lesson to sink in, for her to get the idea that money can't buy her happiness, and after a point I really couldn't sympathize with her on any level.

The sexual chemistry between Cade and Sylvain is smoking, but the romantic chemistry is somewhat lacking. I have to give the author points for the scene or two where they did show a level of mutual understanding, but over all I've read much better matches.

Overall, while I was reading this book I absolutely had to have chocolate--good, dark chocolate that completed the sensory experience of this book for me. That aside, however, I was really unimpressed with the plot and frustrated with the character development. I plan to read more of Laura Florand's books, and I'm hoping that with different characters I will like them better. 3.5 stars for this one.

Misc. Monday: Top Ten Authors Reviewed on RtP

I promised to show you guys what my top ten authors list would look like if I nixed all genre restrictions, and here it is! To be fair, though, I did limit my list to authors of novels, leaving out graphic novel/comic writers, because I don't feel up to scoring those fairly. I'm a lot happier with this list, and I think it will be interesting to come back in six months or a year and see how things have changed. Or not.

 

#10: Julie Anne Long

Cumulative RtP Star Rating: 18

Reviewed Works: The Perils of Pleasure, Like No Other Lover, Since the Surrender, I Kissed an Earl, What I Did for a Duke, How the Marquess Was One

What Make Her Awesome: Julie Anne Long writes the Pennyroyal Green series, a which centers around a small English town with two feuding families. I didn't really care for the first book of the series, finding it mediocre and boring. But then, magically, as I tried more of her work, I discovered that she has a talent for writing a different, unique, and engaging story for each character. You never know exactly what you're going to get, but you know it's likely to be good. Visit Her Website: http://www.julieannelong.com/index.shtml

#9: Nora Roberts

Cumulative RtP Star Rating: 18

Reviewed Works: Sea Swept, Rising Tides, Inner Harbor, Chesapeake Blue

What Makes Her Awesome: Nora Roberts writes amazing contemporary romance with some of the best male characters around.  Visit Her Website: http://www.noraroberts.com/

#8: Gena Showalter

Cumulative RtP Star Rating: 18.5

Reviewed Works: The Darkest Night, The Darkest Kiss, The Darkest Pleasure, The Darkest Whisper, The Darkest Passion, The Darkest Lie, The Darkest Secret

What Makes Her Awesome: Until compiling this list, I had actually forgotten how very awesome I found these books. I was so fed up and disappointed by two or three of her books, that I actually stopped reading her altogether. Her place on this list, though, makes me think that I really ought to give her another shot. Her books are dark and sexy and worth at least a try.   http://members.genashowalter.com/

#7: Jennifer Estep

 Cumulative RtP Star Rating: 19.5

Reviewed Works: Spider's Bite, Touch of Frost, Kiss of Frost, Dark Frost, Crimson Frost

What Makes Her Awesome: I discovered this author via SBTB book club, when we read Touch of Frost. Since then, I've been following the Mythos Academy series pretty closely, and I've also started her Elemental Assassin series. She's very imaginative, writes wonderfully strong heroines, and ties everything together with a pleasantly simple style. Visit her website: http://www.jenniferestep.com/

#6: Karen Marie Moning

Cumulative RtP Star Rating: 20.5

Reviewed Works: Darkfever, Bloodfever, Faefever, Dreamfever, Shadowfever

What Makes Her Awesome: A long while back, before I started this blog, I read a fair number of the Highlander books. I've never reviewed them, but I enjoyed them well enough. Then the fever series came out, and I was extremely skeptical. Back then I didn't read urban fantasy in general, and I specifically didn't care for first person narratives. She totally converted me. Visit he website: http://www.karenmoning.com/kmm/

#5: Courtney Milan

Cumulative RtP Star Rating: 22

Reviewed Works: Unlocked, Unveiled, Unclaimed, Unraveled, The Duchess War

What Makes Her Awesome: Courtney Milan writes historical romance in a completely unique way. She writes heroines that you can like and respect, and deliciously unusual heroes that you fall in love with. No cookie cutter characters for her. Visit Her Website: http://www.courtneymilan.com/

#4: Larissa Ione

Cumulative RtP Star Rating: 28.5

Reviewed Works: Pleasure Unbound, Passion Unleashed, Desire Unchained, Ecstasy Unveiled, Sin Undone, Eternal Rider, Immortal Rider, Lethal Rider

What Makes Her Awesome: Larissa Ione writes dark, sexy paranormal books that I always enjoy in a purely guilty sort of way. I love the demons and the visits to hell and all of the characters with their possibly evil dark sides. All around good, creepy fun. Visit Her Website: http://larissaione.com/blog/

#3: Kresley Cole

Cumulative RtP Star Rating: 34

Reviewed Works:  A Hunger Like No Other, No Rest For the Wicked, Wicked Deeds on a Winter's Night, Dark Desires After Dusk, Dark Needs at Night's Edge, Kiss of a Demon King, Deep Kiss of Winter, Pleasure of a Dark Prince, Demon From the Dark, Dreams of a Dark Warrior, The Poison Princess, Shadow's Claim

What Makes Her Awesome: Kresley Cole's writing has a brilliant, light funniness that somehow does not detract from the sexiness of her stories. He heroines are strong and independent and her heroes are fierce, scary monsters. I can't help but look forward to her books, even after a few let me down. Visit Her Website: http://kresleycole.com/paranormal-romance.html

#2: Ilona Andrews

Cumulative RtP Star Rating 34.5

Reviewed Works: Magic Bites, Magic Burns, Magic Strikes, Magic Bleeds, Magic Slays, Gunmetal Magic, On the Edge, Bayou Moon, Fate's Edge

What Makes Her Awesome:  Ilona Andrews is actually a husband and wife writing team, and they are awesome in general. Not only are they very talented, they're also fairly generous with their work, always offering little goodies and alternate points of view on their blog. I'm not that impressed with The Edge series, but the Kate Daniels series is easily one of my favorite ongoing series to date, and I'm not really sure what I'll do with myself when it ends. I've got a couple years to go, fortunately. Visit their website: http://www.ilona-andrews.com/

#1: Lisa Kleypas

  Cumulative RtP Star Rating: 38

Reviewed Works: Secrets of a Summer Night, It Happened One Autumn, The Devil In Winter, Scandal in Spring, Mine Til Midnight, Seduce Me at Sunrise, Tempt Me at Twilight, Married by Morning, Love in the Afternoon

What Makes Her Awesome: At first, her position in the number one spot on this list probably seems surprising. I haven't talked about Lisa Kleypas as loudly or as often as some of the authors lower on the list. But, in fact, Kleypas is responsible for sparking my interest in historical romance, when before I stuck almost entirely to PNR with the occasional contemporary thrown in. She can make a dull setting and situation funny, and her characters are as charming as you could ask for. Visit Her Website: http://www.lisakleypas.com/

Music Moment #9: Cat and Mouse by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me...

You must live for me too

 I picked a melancholy song for today. I only stumbled upon this song within the past year or so, so it doesn't necessarily have any strong memories attached to it for me, but I really like it. For me, it's about the struggle of relationships and what it means to make sacrifices for them.

Music Moment #8

And you color my skin 

And the colors don't blend

 'Cause I'm gonna get you  

And your little dog too

I thought we'd continue the Wizard of Oz theme with one of Breaking Benjamin's older songs. In general, with Breaking Benjamin, some songs I love and some songs I despise. I love this song. I'm not sure why.

Movie Review: Oz The Great and Powerful (And Adjusted Posting Schedule)

Attentive readers will no doubt notice that this is not the review of Hitched! that I promised. In fact, I ended up DNFing that particular book 20 pages in after enumerable false starts, so I won't be reviewing it any time soon. Furthermore, life and work have kind of forcibly stalled my reading, and I'm no longer ahead in my posts as I was all February. Rather than rush to push out some crappy content while ignoring my other commitments, I'm going to take the weekend off and work on next weeks posts. Here's our adjusted schedule, which hopefully shall not have to be adjusted again.

March 11: Misc. Monday: Top 10 Authors on RtP (no genre restrictions)

March 12: Review of The Chocolate Thief by Laura Florand

March 13: Watch This Wednesday: Sweeney Todd

March 15: Review of Requiem by Lauren Oliver

March 16: Review of Frost Burned by Patricia Briggs

March 18: Top 10 Most Annoying Songs

March 17: St. Patrick's Day Post

March 19: Review of Wanderlust by Eleba Levine

March 20: Watch This Wednesday: Rent

March 25: Misc. Monday: The Dowsides of Blogging

March 27: Watch This Wednesday: Anastasia

March 28: Review of The Chocolate Kiss by Laura Florand

March 30: Review of Lover At Last by J.R. Ward

March 31: Easter Post

Now, if I can get ahead enough, I would really like to do another theme month in April--Young Adult Month. But that's still very much in the planning stages, and may or may not happen in reality.

Also, I saw a movie last night!

Oz The Great and Powerful

If you don't already know, this is a prequel story of sorts to the iconic Wizard of Oz movie. It tells the origin story of the actual wizard, and how he came to do what he does.Oz is a magician in a traveling circus--he's a conman, he uses women, and he has no real friends to speak of. He's blown away in a hot air balloon through a tornado to the land of Oz, where everyone believes that he's a real wizard with the power to save their land.

We wanted to see this movie because it looked so pretty, and it is. It's a very visually appealing movie. Oz is bright and colorful, and in 3D everything just popped and sparkled.

Oz was a charming character, and the story itself was more than passable. Oz has always obsesses over becoming famous, rich, and admired, but his journey teaches him the importance of being decent and helping others. James Franco was surprisingly good in the part. Where in the past I've found his performances fake and hammy, in this case his acting style worked perfectly. He, and the entire movie, are over the top in the best possible way. I liked the fact that he uses his natural proclivity for lying to his advantage, and the movie doesn't force him to "learn a lesson" on that score.

Fans of the original movie will appreciate all of the nods to that story, though somethings are noticeable absent.The ruby slippers, for example, were not allowed to be used for legal reasons. I personally wasn't thrilled with the way the wicked witch appeared, but I think I was distracted by the fact that it was different from the original (again, for legal reasons) As for connectivity with the books...to be honest, I wouldn't know. I never even tried to read them. I had one friend who was obsessed with them, but apparently I didn't osmotically absorb any of her knowledge the way I usually do. If you've seen this movie and you know more than I, please feel free to comment and tell us about it.

Husband was impressed with the direction of the movie, Sam Raimi being one of his all time favorite directors. Fans of his work will notice his style seeping in is shots where characters run from the camera, in the sudden and disorienting use of dutch angles, and in the general humorous tone. If you like Evil Dead, you'll notice he also manages to slip a deadite in there. Yeah.

Overall, if you like whimsy and have at least a passing fondness for The Wizard of Oz, I think you'll enjoy this movie.