Ten Things Every Heroine Should be Thankful For

10. Hair Worthy of a Shampoo Ad

9. A Kick Ass Wardrobe

8. Those Little Supernatural Beauty Enhancements

7. Traveling to Exotic Locations

6. Access to POWER!

5. Intriguing Job Opportunities

4. Really, really big...Swords

3. Animal Sidekicks

2. Loving Families

And Finally, the #1 Thing Every Heroine Is Thankful For....Her Hero!

 

Crazy Covers: Wardrobe Edition

There's a growing problem in the romance world (and no, I don't mean the hero's "growing problem"). I'm referring to the ongoing epidemic of shirtlessness. It seems these poor, defenseless, highly muscled men are tragically unable to find proper clothing. Whether this crisis is a result of cotton shortages or the revenge of disgruntled laundry women, this problem must be stopped. Let's take a look at some of the shocking evidence.

Go ahead and look up the premise of this book. Erotica is so ridiculous.

Right there, we have a shirt theft in progress! And the poor guy is so distracted by the random blue crap in her hair that he's paralyzed! Wake up dude! Fight back!

What, the Lord of the Abyss can't afford a shirt?

WHY? WHY would you put on a cape without a freaking shirt? This is the second time I've seen this! Maybe there's a club. The Shirtless Cape Wearing Club. I can only assume it's boys only...

Oh great, a present I can't return for store credit.

I can just imagine the focus group that came up with this cover. "Ok, what festive item can we use to cover his penis? Candy cane? Too small...Christmas tree? Too big...Jaunty red ribbon? Perfect!"

Good effort, dude, but a kitchen towel does not count as a shirt.

I think this book is about a pastry chef. Pretty sure shirtless cooking is against health code. But I guess kitchens get hot and...stuff happens. What if that was acceptable in any job? Suppose they started making covers with shirtless doctors? Who wouldn't want to be treated by a model wearing a lab coat...and nothing else?

That's a pretty big gun...Think he's over-compensating?

Yet another job where going shirtless makes no real sense. As a SEAL or a special ops person or whatever he is, shouldn't he be in a Kevlar? I guess Kevlar isn't sexy. You know what else in not sexy...BULLET WOUNDS! Just a thought.

All kidding aside, dear cover artists, please lay off the shirtless dudes, ok? I can't carry these books around without attracting "looks". Let the poor men wear some clothes.

Crazy Covers: Props Edition

Yep, it's crazy cover time again. The theme this time around: props. Giving your model something to hold is a lazy way to convey what the book is all about. Let's take a look...

He's thinking "I really should have pulled out."

Yeah...see? Right here, a baby! That's their way of saying "This is an oops! We made a baby!" book. I have to admit, surprise baby/pregnancy books are not my cup of tea. But if that's what you like, this cover would probably suck you in right off. Never mind that he looks NOTHING like that child. Get a paternity test, dude.

Umm...How long to I have to hold these things?

If one baby is good...two is twice as good? I'm not sure. But in any case, this one is funny because of his facial expression. He appears triumphant, surprised, and disturbed all at the same time. "I have procreated! I am all powerful!"

Anyone ever notice that it's the guys that are holding the baby on these covers, 9 times out of 10. Is mom off having a margarita or getting her nails done? I guess it's wish fulfillment for a female audience--a hot guy doing all the parenting!

That's a cruel trick to play on a sleeping person.

Putting food on your cover always draws me in, because I'm basically always hungry. This one is really dangerous though! You shouldn't eat laying down! And cherries have pits! Is he "Tempted" to choke her to death?

I bet the photographer made her hold that pose for like 20 minutes, just to be mean.

Ah, the giant sword. Good for letting potential readers know that this is a fantasy book (or in some cases historical) and that there will be lot's of magical stuff, in case the "Dragon" in the title didn't tip you off. This one bugs me though, because nothing about her stance or grip on that thing suggests that she actually knows how to use a sword. I'm pretty sure she's going to lose her grip and slice her own head open. Plus, what the hell is she wearing? Did she make a slutty tank top out of the last dragon she killed? I guess that would make sense.

That glowing necklace can't be good. Radiation like that will give you cancer.

And then there's this stupid chick. Brandishing her gun ineffectually. Holding her...magic necklace of doooom? The whole pose looks like an awkward dance move in a crowded club. Plus it looks like her pants are literally on fire. This is not a person I'd expect to live very long.

Hey there, Mr. Model Guy, if you could clench a few more muscles that would be great. Thanks.

For fans of sports! And shirtlessness! I'm pretty sure no one plays baseball shirtless and in jeans, but whatever. I won't spoil the fantasy. Hey, if we photoshop a baby in there somewhere he could be the PERFECT guy.

Crazy Covers: Awkward Position Edition

When it comes to romance novel covers, there are a few classic techniques used to catch a prospective reader's eye. The most obvious is to show a person, or more often a couple, in a seemingly intimate situation. But not too intimate. Like, right before the clothes come off. We're not talking erotica here, because in that context awkward positions are likely to land our characters in the hospital.

I covet this woman's dress.

Isn't that beautiful? I call this sort of thing The Vampire Pose. He's smelling her neck like it's a delicious steak, and she's loving it. Notice that he has to stand to the side of the enormous (but gorgeous) dress just to get anywhere near her. Find true love AND triumph over fashion.

She's either turned on or exhausted. Possibly both?

Where I find the first cover to be enticing, I find this one a bit disturbing. Can anyone tell me what the f*** is going on in this picture? No, really. She's kneeling and leaning forward with her dress pulled up, possibly getting her ass grabbed, but you can't really see a hand or anything else behind her. In fact, it appears to me that she's alone, despite the look of ecstasy on her face. I honestly think the cover artists were just screwing with us on this one.

Picture taken right before our male model got up and beat the camera man mercilessly. Or made love to him.

I like this one not just because of the pose, but because of the looks on our models' faces. She looks all smug about the fact that she's...humping his side? And he looks super intense, like he's pissed that someone is snapping a picture of this very serious side-rubbing/shirt removing action. Please, Mr. Model, don't hurt me.

This lovely gem can be found on the inside cover of Lisa Kleypas' Devil in Winter.

Never mind that the heroine is outdoors in her nightgown kneeling on the ground. Never mind that she looks like she's fainting (from the cold...or from the PASSION?) What has always bothered me is...where is his freaking shirt? He has a cape on! Who puts a cape on without a shirt? What kind of person wears a cape, for that matter? I know, maybe it's appropriate to the time period, but I doubt it. And I don't think there has yet been a time period when a cape paired with breeches and boots and NO SHIRT has been socially acceptable.

Crazy Covers: Carry Me!

So here's an ongoing trend in romance novel covers--guys carrying ladies. Now, personally I've been carried a few times and I can tell you--it might look romantic, but it isn't the most comfortable way to travel. And there is no dignity in it. Plus, it only takes smacking your head against one door frame to figure out that walking yourself is a better way to get to the bed...

Is he going to carry her into the ocean? And drown her?

At first glance I seriously thought that guy was naked. Maybe it's the tan pants against the sunset background, maybe it's the early morning fog over my eyes, or maybe I'm just perverted. In any case, I saw a naked guy and it made me giggle. Also the tagline "Losing control is the ultimate rush..." runs right into his ass. Great job, cover people.

It looks like she's kicking to get away. Told you being carried is uncomfortable!

Overall this is a pretty cute cover. But once I got over the boots (what kind of outfit goes with red cowgirl boots? And where would I buy them?) I noticed that you can't see faces in this one. For all you know, he's a deranged serial killer holding her over a ravine, and the only reason she's not struggling is that she'd rather not fall to her death. Don't mess with Texas, or it will murder you.

Huggies!

 Now, suppose your boyfriend/husband/male slave is not, in fact, hulking and strong. Piggyback rides are a fun alternative...in theory. But look at that poor guys face! He's practically grimacing. "Please get off of me before we both fall over" doesn't make a very romantic tagline.

Even the dog looks on them with pity.

And this is what happens when someone tries to carry you, but gets tired halfway to the door. That's ok though, because sitting on someone's lap is like the lazier more comfortable version of being carried. Although rocking chairs are dangerous in their own way, believe me.

*Images obtained from amazon.com.

Crazy Covers: Fry Pans and Kittens

Cover art is something I don't usually comment on in my reviews for several reasons. First, because I'm no expert on graphic art or the like. Second, because many of the books I read are ebooks, so who cares about the cover. And third, because I know authors often have little to no say in how that cover turns out. I've actually heard a few authors express distress at the way their covers look. So it's not fair to include cover art in the review, but there's no reason I can't talk about it separately.

Romance covers are the most frequent victims of slightly silly (or in some cases completely outrageous) cover art. Let's take my current read, Too Hot to Touch by Louisa Edwards (full review coming soon!)---

Shirtless Cooking! Because shirts are for non-sexy people!

The absurdity of this struck me as soon as I bought it. Sauteing something shirtless just seems like a really dangerous idea. I can barely make grilled cheese without burning myself--and that's while fully clothed! That's a pretty bad example to be setting, Mr. Model. Tsk tsk. Although the idea of a man cooking is sexy in general.

And continuing with this shirtless theme...

Ooo. Aww!

I like this one! But yes, it's still pretty funny. You have your shirtless fellow, kind of standard in romance land. And then you have your kitten, presumably Photoshopped right into his muscular arms. So that we, the potential readers, understand that this hero is both hot as hell and sensitive.
  

And speaking of Photoshop...

At least he appears to be doing something that would logically require shirtlessness.

Yeah...Fake tattoos are kind of a pet peeve for me when it comes to cover art. I haven't read this book, but I can only assume that the character has a dragon tattoo? So the art department, in their infinite wisdom, chose some stock art and drew in the tattoo? I wish they hadn't, because it's really distracting me from what would otherwise be a very romantic pose.